Hearts’ day

I thought that this year’s Valentines will be just like any other day like how I usually see it – a day I won’t even mind and just let pass. Even way back when I had a boyfriend, I didn’t really do much celebrating on VDay. I mean, sure I go on dates and all that, but it was just like all the other mundane days for me. But this year was wuite different. I got caught off guard, to be honest. I didnt know I cared. Heck, I didn’t even know a day meant supposedly for celebrating love could bring this much sadness in one person. I guess, I’m tired of receiving mundane things and emotions just like any other mundane day in the year. I just want need to belong to someone again – to feel that I belong to someone again. It’s been so long. I can no longer kid myself around into thinking that this independent thing encompasses all other things in my life. Everybody needs to belong to someone, right? It sometimes makes me wonder how do divorced people do it? Go through a wrenching experience like that and then allow themselves to believe in something as intangible and vague as love? How do they get the energy and spirit to allow themselvs to meet someone new and move on with their lives? How is it so easy for people to find one another in this vast world and yet have other people easily find each other despite all the setbacks.? How is it that despite all contradictions, people always still choose to choose love? I’m in awe. And sad. I guess,  the lonesomeness gets to you when you’re not as happy as everyone else. I’m not saying that finding someone new to love is the only thing that can make me happy, no, it’s not like that. It’s just that, when people’s happiness are amplified, your normal happiness meter gets left behind and makes you all the more focus on things that you normally don’t give attention to (like, the things you lack, perhaps). And being single for a considerable time gives you that sort of emptiness no matter how hard you try to hide it and gets amplified on happy occasions like Chrismas and birthdays and yes, Valentines day. So today, I chose to feel it all and not pretend these sort of feelings do not exist. I chose to go home early, ponder on things and let myself feel it all and take it all in. After all, I promised to focus on myself more this year. And as I sit here by the poolside, having my nape, hands and feet freezing from the cold night breeze, I can’t help but wonder what else does this year have in store for me? What other realizations can I expect even from things I thought I already have full acceptance of? What new things can I learn and of course will things still be the same for me this time next year? I hope not. I pray I’m happier next year and my heart more filled with contentment. I can only hope that this time next year, my heart will be in a better place. 

Life >>> Career (and some things to ponder upon post-work-out)

Stress piles up until it becomes one big fireball that explodes into your face.

I’ve had a recent (sort of) altercation with a colleague (and friend); been quite a complainer these past few days; the littlest details irritate the hell out of me; been having messy outbursts to people I hold dear; been so masungit to my parents lately;  been harboring negative thoughts about things and people and everything else in the world. And it makes me sad. I’m sad. It’s sad.

I miss my dogs, I miss going out with friends. I miss hanging around with my lonesome; I miss reading in a quaint coffee shop; I miss having a life (and someone to share it with. Lol). I’m barely alone – always surrounded by people and happenings these days and I just need a pause in life. Even superheroes get to have a break, I suppose. And so I decided to workout a bit tonight to finally clear my head of all the negative things and stress and what-have-yous. In the midst of all the chaos this simple life brings, there, I got the calm, the serenity I’ve been praying for. And just like all epiphanies, it comes right at ya when you least expect it. I’ve realized, I want relatively simple life. I’d take a simple life any time of the day. I’d take the life over career anytime of the day. I’m at the point in my life where I can say I have a fair gauge of the things I truly want. And I must say, for the first time, I’d choose having a life over an overly successful life anytime of the day. Of course I still want to be a Pediatrician someday, but burying myself with work and having no time to actually cultivate all the other aspects of my persona won’t definitely give me happiness in the future. And this makes me happy. Realizing these sort of things make me happy. 🙂

 

And it’s one of those days when you just feel the need to pour it all out when everything else around you is going abysmal.

I refuse to be the kind of person who has a uni-dimensional life. I refuse to be changed by the external factors going on in my life right now. I refuse to be changed by all the negative people around me. I refuse to succumb solely into my career and let all the aspects of my personality be buried with it. There is more to life than work. Work is just a part of it, not the whole  of it. And yes, I do not want to become a success in one field in the future and failing most of life, in general. I cannot and I won’t allow that.

I’d like to think that I’m a good person and I have a great career ahead of me. It’s just that, some days, I feel bad about all the time I have to sacrifice in order to achieve all of it – all the meet-ups I have to turn down, all the possibilities of meeting (new) people, and yes, the possibility of finding the one. Some days too, the past has its way of wiggling itself back to you, leaving you in wonder “how the hell did I allow myself to not make everything work out with you?” Well, timing is a bitch – as what they always say. And maybe, things weren’t just meant to be. Most days I’m fine by that. But some days, it’s harder to swallow (especially on down days). I’m feeling hopeful, though. Somewhere out there in the vastness of the universe is that one person solely meant for me. Somewhere out there, there’s that one person who’ll make me realize that hey, he’s the reason everything else failed to make space for him. Well, that didn’t sound all too good, but, yeah. I’m hopeful that things a year from now, years from now, will make sense. Just like how all the things career-wise are making sense to me right now.

Here’s to hoping that one day, all these will make perfect sense.

Not good enough (even for a title)

It’s one of days when you’re just compelled to write even when what’s in your mind and everything else around does not make sense. Tomorrow marks another day in this new life – the real battle begins as we take on yet another year of internship – that and a year to prepare for the board exams. I must say, amongst all other things stressing me out these days, this has to top it all off. It’s a year off from now but I can’t help but feel all shaken and scared. I feel so incompetent and incapable of passing and topping it. Somehow, deep inside I know I can but sometimes, all these doubts creep into my mind. I don’t know I don’t even know why this thing keeps on bugging me when it’s a year fuckin away. I guess my mind just has to roam around in places it cannot handle. What scares me so much is the uncertainty of the situation. But then again, just as what my friend said yesterday, “Just start. Whatever happens, just start studying and all else will fall into place”. Well, yeah, I guess instead of bickering and scaring the shit out of myself, I just have to start and get on with it. I can’t finish anything without actually starting, anyway. Well yeah, sorry to disappoint but I really had no intention of having a post today which actually made sense. I just needed to let it all out somehow knowing that somewhere out there, in the world there’s somebody else sharing my anxiety about the physician licensure exams. That’s it for now. Good day.

YA feels (not a review)

Hi. It’s been a while. I haven’t had the time nor the willingness to write a post for quite a while. IDK, some days I don’t feel like myself. Most days I just lay around the house trying to convince myself that it’s okay to take a break and rest. Only, I don’t feel rested being this bum. My psyche, and everything else has been going haywire causing me to feel needy, clingy, and desperate. In short, I’m quite an emotional mess right now. I haven’t been this much alone with my thoughts that I’ve actually forgotten how it feels like to be able to have the luxury to do the things I’ve always put off in the past due to work.

Snapchat-6837141857718669944Anywaaaaay (that was a totally uncalled for introduction and irrelevant, to say the least), I just finished reading Eleanor and Park by Rainbow Rowell. I remember buying this novel 3 years ago when I was just starting with a brand new life – or that’s how it felt then. New school, new set of friends, new everything, even a new dog. I was just coming out of a bad break-up and was trying to reconnect with myself and all the things that used to like and is starting to like. Anyway, it was at a book fair (the first I’ve ever attended) and I remember being oh so excited roaming around all the book stalls and booths. I’ve always wanted to give Rowell a try. I’ve been hearing rave reviews about her books (at that time for some unfathomable reason, I thought Rowell was a dude haha!). So I got Eleanor and Park and my friend got Attachments. I’m glad I grabbed Eleanor and Park, though. I finished reading attachments on my iPad before but it didn’t do for me. It was not that entertaining for me. That brings me to Eleanor and Park – sure, it did give me something and by something I mean, it did give me feels of some sort emotionally but I don’t think it did quite well too in my opinion. It felt as if the whole time I was reading, I was hoping it could give me more than it was actually giving – like I was trying to prep myself for that major mind-blowing ending or anything somewhere along the story line. But it didn’t happen. Yes, it was sweet and cute but it didn’t give me anything else. I guess it was just geared for a whole different audience. It did give me something, though. There was this pang when Park was being teared up from Eleanor’s absence  but it just wasn’t enough for me, emotionally-wise. I have a breakthrough moment, though. It’s as if I’ve been craving these love stories and love-story-feels these days. I’ve become needy, as I have said but, it isn’t me to be looking for love or whatever it might make me feel; but lately, I’ve been this sort-of-beast eager to devour anything/everything that can give me kilig feels. Haha So anyway, that’s it for now and my sort-of-and-not-so-sort-of-take on Eleanor and Park. Haha I’ll leave you with this: