What am I doing still thinking about you at 2 in the morning???
You’re the kind of risk I’m still too afraid to take but can’t seem to let go of. For some unfathomable reason, I feel it’s okay to be careless and carefree. There’s something about you that had me throwing most of my inhibitions and walls; almost making me feel it’s okay to be such a daredevil and go through with it but never quite getting there – YET. As you know, just like you, I was (not-so-long-ago) once hurt and betrayed. Out of fear of all things, I can’t seem to quite allow myself to be out there fully again. And I know that somehow we’re kind of on the same page in that aspect. But, okay, fine, I may or may not have driven you away and I guess this is my way of saying, I do like you – A LOT. More than what I initially allowed myself to. And way more than I even thought possible when we met. And of course, I’m blabbering my way through this post.
I never knew something as stupid-sounding as a spark is even remotely possible but heyyyy I saw it and I’m sure you saw it and what’s worse (?) is that other people saw it too. So that I guess makes it a good validation, huh?
I was never really much of a risk-taker. I have always been the planner. But you know what, you somehow bring out that side of me. Making me feel like you’re worth it without actually implicating or even explicating anything. And that scares me. This is definitely new territory for me and I’m just really really at loss of what to do. And recently, the more you pull away, the more I feel myself gravitate towards you. And that just makes for one helluva bad recipe, I know. I just might be one of them girls you just happen to string along but somehow, this little missy is almost ready to be actually strung along too. Haha
Confused. Dazed. Dumbfounded. That’s how I’m finding myself now when I’m supposed to be back on my readings and focusing on my upcoming exams. All these could also be just a product of my overzealous over-thinking, of course. I could’ve also looked too much into every word and detail of our conversations, added more flavor to every uttered word, and saw non-existing sunshine to every stories told. That’s the thing with it, you see – I may or may not have just imagined everything on my own but I’d like to think that not all of it (if not most) were just a product of this playful mind.
This leads me to another point – what to make out of this in the end? I’ve had countless questions about you (okay fine, I talk about you giddily to my friends) and where all this will end and there was a time when I couldn’t care less. I mean, this is fun and interesting and spontaneous in all possible ways and that makes it all the more thrilling. Why ruin something as nice as it already is for something more complicated, right? But recently, I can’t help but swoon over the fact of endless possibilities. And the realization just hit me all of a sudden: I’d like to experience at least one of the “possibilities” and see how everything plays out. I’m pretty sure we could have a whole lot of fun together had the situation been different. It’s one of the nicest daydreams I keep playing at the back of my mind. And okay, I know the mere fact that it’s just a daydream, is just sad. Haha
So if this post somehow finds itself to you, here’s the thing: I’m starting to like you a lot. And if this means that a tiny crack is starting to form within these walls, then so be it. At least for the first time, I’ve experienced what it’s like to have something as shady and uncertain as this – something I just allowed myself to feel and didn’t rationalize, to begin with.
Cue music, Break the Cycle by You+Me because somehow, the cycle for me, has almost been broken ♥♥♥