Turmoil

I cannot sleep. Let’s start with that. Haha This day has been nothing but a turmoil of emotions – a little sadness here, lonesomeness there, a pinch of happiness, a spoon-full of gratefulness, a dash of tiredness, a little bit of thrill. all sauteed into a jam-packed day.

Today I bid farewell to one of the most important persons in my life as I celebrate and welcome a new chapter. Ha! Such is the irony of life. I did nothing but cry this morning until this afternoon. And until a few minutes ago, I can’t think of anything to stop the tears from falling. I try to get a slumber, and I feel that gape of a whole my heart has. It doesn’t occupy the whole of it, but it’s enough to make my whole body feel its absence.

I’ve finally had the courage and strength to say what I entirely feel about everything – to burn the bridges I should’ve a long time ago. It never is easy to let go of that one person who meant the world to you and decide to not be anything to him. It hurts but I know staying would hurt more. He was a partner, a brother, bestfriend, everything rolled into one. But I guess, when one’s well-being and essence is already sacrificed, it’s no longer healthy to stay. I needed to let myself go. I need to let my world go in order to experience new wonders and achieve new feats. This time around, I needed to take care of myself and fulfill my dreams for myself and no one else.

I did my part, I guess. I was more than welcoming, forgiving, understanding and caring. I did everything I possibly could. But sometimes, it’s not up to us to fix someone. I realized, it’s not my job to put back all his pieces together at the expense of my whole being. In any relationship, one cannot simply do all the battles alone. And this time, I needed to choose my fights. Turns out, ours was one that wasn’t worth fighting through and fighting for. Not anymore.

At the midst of trying to stop the tears from falling, I received news that I finally passed my 3rd year in medicine school. In a few days’ time, I’m gonna be a clerk/junior intern! I’ve prayed for this for so long – cried about it, even. I know I could’ve performed better this past school year, but I can say that I did what I possibly can to pass my subjects. Though I may not have learned it all, I won’t go to clerkship empty handed. I did my fair share of studying and learning. And for that, I am beyond thankful.

So there, now I have two major emotions battling it out to end my day. I just pray for an inner peace and strength to face what lies ahead. I’m hurt, broken but happy and thankful at the same time. It’s bat-shit crazy, I know but that’s just how life is, I guess. It stings you a little then rewards you with a pot of gold – well, sort of. Hehe I just know that someday, somehow, I’d be able to provide forgiveness where it is necessary, love for the right person (and most esp for myself, of course), wisdom to those who seek it, care and service to those in need. As my friend once told me, “…I’m glad you’re realizing these things now. You have a huge heart and can’t wait to give out all the love that you can give”. Yes, I cannot wait, but first, inner peace and healing, please. ♥

♥edz

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