Hearts’ day

I thought that this year’s Valentines will be just like any other day like how I usually see it – a day I won’t even mind and just let pass. Even way back when I had a boyfriend, I didn’t really do much celebrating on VDay. I mean, sure I go on dates and all that, but it was just like all the other mundane days for me. But this year was wuite different. I got caught off guard, to be honest. I didnt know I cared. Heck, I didn’t even know a day meant supposedly for celebrating love could bring this much sadness in one person. I guess, I’m tired of receiving mundane things and emotions just like any other mundane day in the year. I just want need to belong to someone again – to feel that I belong to someone again. It’s been so long. I can no longer kid myself around into thinking that this independent thing encompasses all other things in my life. Everybody needs to belong to someone, right? It sometimes makes me wonder how do divorced people do it? Go through a wrenching experience like that and then allow themselves to believe in something as intangible and vague as love? How do they get the energy and spirit to allow themselvs to meet someone new and move on with their lives? How is it so easy for people to find one another in this vast world and yet have other people easily find each other despite all the setbacks.? How is it that despite all contradictions, people always still choose to choose love? I’m in awe. And sad. I guess,  the lonesomeness gets to you when you’re not as happy as everyone else. I’m not saying that finding someone new to love is the only thing that can make me happy, no, it’s not like that. It’s just that, when people’s happiness are amplified, your normal happiness meter gets left behind and makes you all the more focus on things that you normally don’t give attention to (like, the things you lack, perhaps). And being single for a considerable time gives you that sort of emptiness no matter how hard you try to hide it and gets amplified on happy occasions like Chrismas and birthdays and yes, Valentines day. So today, I chose to feel it all and not pretend these sort of feelings do not exist. I chose to go home early, ponder on things and let myself feel it all and take it all in. After all, I promised to focus on myself more this year. And as I sit here by the poolside, having my nape, hands and feet freezing from the cold night breeze, I can’t help but wonder what else does this year have in store for me? What other realizations can I expect even from things I thought I already have full acceptance of? What new things can I learn and of course will things still be the same for me this time next year? I hope not. I pray I’m happier next year and my heart more filled with contentment. I can only hope that this time next year, my heart will be in a better place. 

Turmoil

I cannot sleep. Let’s start with that. Haha This day has been nothing but a turmoil of emotions – a little sadness here, lonesomeness there, a pinch of happiness, a spoon-full of gratefulness, a dash of tiredness, a little bit of thrill. all sauteed into a jam-packed day.

Today I bid farewell to one of the most important persons in my life as I celebrate and welcome a new chapter. Ha! Such is the irony of life. I did nothing but cry this morning until this afternoon. And until a few minutes ago, I can’t think of anything to stop the tears from falling. I try to get a slumber, and I feel that gape of a whole my heart has. It doesn’t occupy the whole of it, but it’s enough to make my whole body feel its absence.

I’ve finally had the courage and strength to say what I entirely feel about everything – to burn the bridges I should’ve a long time ago. It never is easy to let go of that one person who meant the world to you and decide to not be anything to him. It hurts but I know staying would hurt more. He was a partner, a brother, bestfriend, everything rolled into one. But I guess, when one’s well-being and essence is already sacrificed, it’s no longer healthy to stay. I needed to let myself go. I need to let my world go in order to experience new wonders and achieve new feats. This time around, I needed to take care of myself and fulfill my dreams for myself and no one else.

I did my part, I guess. I was more than welcoming, forgiving, understanding and caring. I did everything I possibly could. But sometimes, it’s not up to us to fix someone. I realized, it’s not my job to put back all his pieces together at the expense of my whole being. In any relationship, one cannot simply do all the battles alone. And this time, I needed to choose my fights. Turns out, ours was one that wasn’t worth fighting through and fighting for. Not anymore.

At the midst of trying to stop the tears from falling, I received news that I finally passed my 3rd year in medicine school. In a few days’ time, I’m gonna be a clerk/junior intern! I’ve prayed for this for so long – cried about it, even. I know I could’ve performed better this past school year, but I can say that I did what I possibly can to pass my subjects. Though I may not have learned it all, I won’t go to clerkship empty handed. I did my fair share of studying and learning. And for that, I am beyond thankful.

So there, now I have two major emotions battling it out to end my day. I just pray for an inner peace and strength to face what lies ahead. I’m hurt, broken but happy and thankful at the same time. It’s bat-shit crazy, I know but that’s just how life is, I guess. It stings you a little then rewards you with a pot of gold – well, sort of. Hehe I just know that someday, somehow, I’d be able to provide forgiveness where it is necessary, love for the right person (and most esp for myself, of course), wisdom to those who seek it, care and service to those in need. As my friend once told me, “…I’m glad you’re realizing these things now. You have a huge heart and can’t wait to give out all the love that you can give”. Yes, I cannot wait, but first, inner peace and healing, please. ♥

♥edz

SentiSunday

Our favorite love story is on at Disney Channel. For the first 5 minutes of the film, I kept swallowing to try to keep the tears from falling but the pang inside my chest can’t be contained. I guess, I’ll never get over UP even if I have written about this film countless times on my journal and previous blog. It just fills me with lots of amazing memories and fun times – the giggles, morning talks, star gazing, people watching, evening walks, every thing, every little thing. You are my Carl Frederickson as I am your Ellie. And all the amazing things and amazing times will always be cherished forever. Suffice to say, I miss you, and I miss us.

♥s day

It’s valentine’s day tomorrow and sadly, this is my 3rd one without a date. Well, okay, technically it’ll be the first one in a loooong time cos last year, I attended the UP Fair and met up with a lot of friends (and you know with febfairs, it always end up being one hazy memory from all the alcohol hahahaha) and 2 years ago, I was with my friends Kath and Vivi and had dinner with my dear cousin. So prolly tomorrow, I’ll just try to find a rock big enough for me and try to count until the 15th comes and the sensationalized day passes. Hahahaha Okay, that sounded waaaay bitter than I intended to but yeah, where are them boys at when my heart’s all set and ready with love? Hahahahaha

somebodytolove

This Queen anthem couldn’t have been more perfect. Hahahahaha (GIF grabbed here)

Okay, I’m starting to sound really really crazy already (pardon my sleepy and stressed self) but anyway, tomorrow I’ll be alone but I’m glad as hell that my friends gave me some chocs and sweets to lemme feel all the love and care. ♥

~EEEEEEEND OF BLAAAAAAB~

An Open Letter to You – the one who has hurt me most

I know a lot has been said and done. It has been a massive train wreck – you and I. The road has not just been bumpy but a cyclical pattern of hurt and be hurt. It’s been years since we parted but how come until this very day it’s as if I just had my heart broken? As the year bids good bye, I guess it’s about time that this ends and be nothing but a chapter on this final year.

I never wished ill of you but I guess it’s high time I wish something for myself without you. I have become prey to you over and over, luring me into your traps of promises and care only to end up hurt in the end. And this has to stop. I offered you friendship and what has it gotten me in the end? Not entirely nothing. You gave me new wounds to tend to – new suffering to endure and new experiences to get over with.

And I’m tired. I can’t reiterate how much of a burden you have been to me. I’m so freaking tired and I need to lay all this to rest. So, here I am, with nothing else to offer but a plead to let me be and let me go. I see it now. You no longer love me – you just need me. Because, out of all the people you know (your family included), you can never erase the fact that I am the only person in this world who has understood you fully. And I still continually do, mind you. I still try to understand you with every inch of my being. But you never valued that, haven’t you? You’ve always taken that for granted. You have always taken me for granted. And now, I accept that. It’s okay. I can’t and won’t force you to. Just know this, though, YOU ARE MISSING OUT. It may not sink in now, but I know someday it will. You cannot outrun your true self forever. Pretend all you want right now, but you can never lose sight of who you truly are forever.

Having said all that, I wish you luck on this new life you have chosen to live. I have always been the one you keep on choosing to hurt over and over and that ends now. From this day forth, I am refusing to allow you to hurt me further. This will be the last time. You are no longer worth it. Every truth I held on to for so long no longer matters because at the end of it all, you never fought for me. And I’m pretty sure, you never will.