Ola

Wow, it’s been a  while. I haven’t actually updated for the longest time. Been busy with hospital duties and life in general. Haha!  I actually have tons of drafts waiting to be published but I’m planning on posting stuff after I get through with this board exam. Yep, I’m planning to take the physicians Licensure examination here in my country next month. I’m still half-hearted about it, though. I still haven’t decided whether I’ll really push through with it or not. There’s an inner struggle within me and yes, doubt and fear included. But, I’m praying for the best and of course, strength, guidance and knowledge. Enough of rants and rambling. Well anyway, I’d just like to post an update whether someone’s reading this or not Haha! To actually inspire me to post more in the next coming days.

I’m actually planning on posting about board exam struggles and mishaps but we’ll see how things fair in the next couple of days.

That’s all for now. Haha

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Life >>> Career (and some things to ponder upon post-work-out)

Stress piles up until it becomes one big fireball that explodes into your face.

I’ve had a recent (sort of) altercation with a colleague (and friend); been quite a complainer these past few days; the littlest details irritate the hell out of me; been having messy outbursts to people I hold dear; been so masungit to my parents lately;  been harboring negative thoughts about things and people and everything else in the world. And it makes me sad. I’m sad. It’s sad.

I miss my dogs, I miss going out with friends. I miss hanging around with my lonesome; I miss reading in a quaint coffee shop; I miss having a life (and someone to share it with. Lol). I’m barely alone – always surrounded by people and happenings these days and I just need a pause in life. Even superheroes get to have a break, I suppose. And so I decided to workout a bit tonight to finally clear my head of all the negative things and stress and what-have-yous. In the midst of all the chaos this simple life brings, there, I got the calm, the serenity I’ve been praying for. And just like all epiphanies, it comes right at ya when you least expect it. I’ve realized, I want relatively simple life. I’d take a simple life any time of the day. I’d take the life over career anytime of the day. I’m at the point in my life where I can say I have a fair gauge of the things I truly want. And I must say, for the first time, I’d choose having a life over an overly successful life anytime of the day. Of course I still want to be a Pediatrician someday, but burying myself with work and having no time to actually cultivate all the other aspects of my persona won’t definitely give me happiness in the future. And this makes me happy. Realizing these sort of things make me happy. 🙂

 

And it’s one of those days when you just feel the need to pour it all out when everything else around you is going abysmal.

I refuse to be the kind of person who has a uni-dimensional life. I refuse to be changed by the external factors going on in my life right now. I refuse to be changed by all the negative people around me. I refuse to succumb solely into my career and let all the aspects of my personality be buried with it. There is more to life than work. Work is just a part of it, not the whole  of it. And yes, I do not want to become a success in one field in the future and failing most of life, in general. I cannot and I won’t allow that.

I’d like to think that I’m a good person and I have a great career ahead of me. It’s just that, some days, I feel bad about all the time I have to sacrifice in order to achieve all of it – all the meet-ups I have to turn down, all the possibilities of meeting (new) people, and yes, the possibility of finding the one. Some days too, the past has its way of wiggling itself back to you, leaving you in wonder “how the hell did I allow myself to not make everything work out with you?” Well, timing is a bitch – as what they always say. And maybe, things weren’t just meant to be. Most days I’m fine by that. But some days, it’s harder to swallow (especially on down days). I’m feeling hopeful, though. Somewhere out there in the vastness of the universe is that one person solely meant for me. Somewhere out there, there’s that one person who’ll make me realize that hey, he’s the reason everything else failed to make space for him. Well, that didn’t sound all too good, but, yeah. I’m hopeful that things a year from now, years from now, will make sense. Just like how all the things career-wise are making sense to me right now.

Here’s to hoping that one day, all these will make perfect sense.

Not good enough (even for a title)

It’s one of days when you’re just compelled to write even when what’s in your mind and everything else around does not make sense. Tomorrow marks another day in this new life – the real battle begins as we take on yet another year of internship – that and a year to prepare for the board exams. I must say, amongst all other things stressing me out these days, this has to top it all off. It’s a year off from now but I can’t help but feel all shaken and scared. I feel so incompetent and incapable of passing and topping it. Somehow, deep inside I know I can but sometimes, all these doubts creep into my mind. I don’t know I don’t even know why this thing keeps on bugging me when it’s a year fuckin away. I guess my mind just has to roam around in places it cannot handle. What scares me so much is the uncertainty of the situation. But then again, just as what my friend said yesterday, “Just start. Whatever happens, just start studying and all else will fall into place”. Well, yeah, I guess instead of bickering and scaring the shit out of myself, I just have to start and get on with it. I can’t finish anything without actually starting, anyway. Well yeah, sorry to disappoint but I really had no intention of having a post today which actually made sense. I just needed to let it all out somehow knowing that somewhere out there, in the world there’s somebody else sharing my anxiety about the physician licensure exams. That’s it for now. Good day.

YA feels (not a review)

Hi. It’s been a while. I haven’t had the time nor the willingness to write a post for quite a while. IDK, some days I don’t feel like myself. Most days I just lay around the house trying to convince myself that it’s okay to take a break and rest. Only, I don’t feel rested being this bum. My psyche, and everything else has been going haywire causing me to feel needy, clingy, and desperate. In short, I’m quite an emotional mess right now. I haven’t been this much alone with my thoughts that I’ve actually forgotten how it feels like to be able to have the luxury to do the things I’ve always put off in the past due to work.

Snapchat-6837141857718669944Anywaaaaay (that was a totally uncalled for introduction and irrelevant, to say the least), I just finished reading Eleanor and Park by Rainbow Rowell. I remember buying this novel 3 years ago when I was just starting with a brand new life – or that’s how it felt then. New school, new set of friends, new everything, even a new dog. I was just coming out of a bad break-up and was trying to reconnect with myself and all the things that used to like and is starting to like. Anyway, it was at a book fair (the first I’ve ever attended) and I remember being oh so excited roaming around all the book stalls and booths. I’ve always wanted to give Rowell a try. I’ve been hearing rave reviews about her books (at that time for some unfathomable reason, I thought Rowell was a dude haha!). So I got Eleanor and Park and my friend got Attachments. I’m glad I grabbed Eleanor and Park, though. I finished reading attachments on my iPad before but it didn’t do for me. It was not that entertaining for me. That brings me to Eleanor and Park – sure, it did give me something and by something I mean, it did give me feels of some sort emotionally but I don’t think it did quite well too in my opinion. It felt as if the whole time I was reading, I was hoping it could give me more than it was actually giving – like I was trying to prep myself for that major mind-blowing ending or anything somewhere along the story line. But it didn’t happen. Yes, it was sweet and cute but it didn’t give me anything else. I guess it was just geared for a whole different audience. It did give me something, though. There was this pang when Park was being teared up from Eleanor’s absence  but it just wasn’t enough for me, emotionally-wise. I have a breakthrough moment, though. It’s as if I’ve been craving these love stories and love-story-feels these days. I’ve become needy, as I have said but, it isn’t me to be looking for love or whatever it might make me feel; but lately, I’ve been this sort-of-beast eager to devour anything/everything that can give me kilig feels. Haha So anyway, that’s it for now and my sort-of-and-not-so-sort-of-take on Eleanor and Park. Haha I’ll leave you with this:

Yey for firsts!

Sooooo apparently I’m more bummed by the fact that I’m not able to attend this year’s fair than being dateless this day. Hahahahaha All my favorite people have come together and yessssss they’d be getting drunk and making more drunk memories together and I’m in here trying to juggle my time so I can finish all the readings for next week’s exams. Yep, highlight the S – exams – PLURAL. Hahaha Okay, I’m not actually complaining, really, but I would’ve loved it if I didn’t have that much to do so I can be with my friends this evening. Oh well, I promised myself I’d keep my head on the road and focus on graduating on time and not getting extended. In short, I have to do extra well on my upcoming exams.

Speaking of roads, it was my first day in driving school today and it felt awesome (cue music: Celebration by Kool & The Gang Haha). I didn’t expect to find such weird enjoyment in it to think I’ve been putting it off for so long cos I’m so lazyyyy. Hahahaha And please don’t judge me, I just got used to having someone drive me around wherever. Hahahaha Okay fine, that didn’t sound like a better excuse. So anyway, it was my first day a while ago and I got complimented like a LOT by my instructor cos believe it or not, the engine didn’t die on me, I have a knack for clutch control and I slow down, start and stop smoothly. How’s that for someone who NEVER had a driving background? Hihi Sorry, I’m too proud. Anyway, I was able to drive about 2k a while ago. Just some slow driving and had a couple of annoyed drivers behind me cos I was not driving beyond the 2nd gear. HAHAHAHAHAHA BUUUUUUUT it was my first time, so please gimme a break (#wordplay get it, get it? Break, brake? Okay, that was eye-rolling material. Haha). I can’t wait to have my next class next week. My pops was pretty proud cos finally I got an interest in driving. You see, my brother and I can’t seem to be bothered with cars. Who would’ve thought that my dad’s only problem was how to get me and my brother move our asses and be interested in handling the stick when most parents’ teens can’t get their hands off the steering wheel. Hahahahaha I know, me and my siblings are weird. Had I not badly needed to learn how to drive, I wouldn’t even bother enrolling. Apparently, in my career, I need to learn how to. Hahahahaha Okaaaaay, the point is, I didn’t expect to have fun but a while ago, it was more than fun – I felt awesome.

happydriving

Me in a few weeks’ time. Hahaha Oh, and thanks giphy for the gif