It’s one of days when you’re just compelled to write even when what’s in your mind and everything else around does not make sense. Tomorrow marks another day in this new life – the real battle begins as we take on yet another year of internship – that and a year to prepare for the board exams. I must say, amongst all other things stressing me out these days, this has to top it all off. It’s a year off from now but I can’t help but feel all shaken and scared. I feel so incompetent and incapable of passing and topping it. Somehow, deep inside I know I can but sometimes, all these doubts creep into my mind. I don’t know I don’t even know why this thing keeps on bugging me when it’s a year fuckin away. I guess my mind just has to roam around in places it cannot handle. What scares me so much is the uncertainty of the situation. But then again, just as what my friend said yesterday, “Just start. Whatever happens, just start studying and all else will fall into place”. Well, yeah, I guess instead of bickering and scaring the shit out of myself, I just have to start and get on with it. I can’t finish anything without actually starting, anyway. Well yeah, sorry to disappoint but I really had no intention of having a post today which actually made sense. I just needed to let it all out somehow knowing that somewhere out there, in the world there’s somebody else sharing my anxiety about the physician licensure exams. That’s it for now. Good day.
Hi. It’s been a while. I haven’t had the time nor the willingness to write a post for quite a while. IDK, some days I don’t feel like myself. Most days I just lay around the house trying to convince myself that it’s okay to take a break and rest. Only, I don’t feel rested being this bum. My psyche, and everything else has been going haywire causing me to feel needy, clingy, and desperate. In short, I’m quite an emotional mess right now. I haven’t been this much alone with my thoughts that I’ve actually forgotten how it feels like to be able to have the luxury to do the things I’ve always put off in the past due to work.
Anywaaaaay (that was a totally uncalled for introduction and irrelevant, to say the least), I just finished reading Eleanor and Park by Rainbow Rowell. I remember buying this novel 3 years ago when I was just starting with a brand new life – or that’s how it felt then. New school, new set of friends, new everything, even a new dog. I was just coming out of a bad break-up and was trying to reconnect with myself and all the things that used to like and is starting to like. Anyway, it was at a book fair (the first I’ve ever attended) and I remember being oh so excited roaming around all the book stalls and booths. I’ve always wanted to give Rowell a try. I’ve been hearing rave reviews about her books (at that time for some unfathomable reason, I thought Rowell was a dude haha!). So I got Eleanor and Park and my friend got Attachments. I’m glad I grabbed Eleanor and Park, though. I finished reading attachments on my iPad before but it didn’t do for me. It was not that entertaining for me. That brings me to Eleanor and Park – sure, it did give me something and by something I mean, it did give me feels of some sort emotionally but I don’t think it did quite well too in my opinion. It felt as if the whole time I was reading, I was hoping it could give me more than it was actually giving – like I was trying to prep myself for that major mind-blowing ending or anything somewhere along the story line. But it didn’t happen. Yes, it was sweet and cute but it didn’t give me anything else. I guess it was just geared for a whole different audience. It did give me something, though. There was this pang when Park was being teared up from Eleanor’s absence but it just wasn’t enough for me, emotionally-wise. I have a breakthrough moment, though. It’s as if I’ve been craving these love stories and love-story-feels these days. I’ve become needy, as I have said but, it isn’t me to be looking for love or whatever it might make me feel; but lately, I’ve been this sort-of-beast eager to devour anything/everything that can give me kilig feels. Haha So anyway, that’s it for now and my sort-of-and-not-so-sort-of-take on Eleanor and Park. Haha I’ll leave you with this:
Somewhere along the vast corners of the universe, there is a guy for me who will respect, honor, love and cherish me. Someome worthy of all the love I am capable of giving, and someone who wouldn’t allow that love go to waste.
I live in a developing country. Now, some people might cringe at the idea of this but I can’t be more thankful. See, I get to see and live on both sides – I get to see a glimpse of the high life like that of developed countries yet get to stay grounded as I also get to live and experience what it’s like for people living below the poverty line. And these are some things easily overlooked when you’re looking far too ahead in the horizon.
My family and I are not what you can call rich. My dad used to tell us when we were younger, that we’re definitely not rich. He wouldn’t be needing to work if we were rich. We get by with the right amount of comfort and some luxury here and there but not all the time. We weren’t raised with all the riches and luxuries, there is. We were exposed to a better world, yes, but definitely not that of the alta de ciudad.
Being exposed to various people on all walks of life will either dismay you or inspire you. I actually get the latter often especially when I deal with patients and their families. It is true that in sickness one gets to witness what it’s like to love and be loved entirely. A while ago, I was blessed to witness just that. I’m not enjoying nor celebrating the fact of someone ill here, but I was merely inspired by the fact that true love does rise and reveal itself during hardships.
A few minutes ago, my uncle (mom’s older brother from a brood of 12) came by our house in need of financial assistance. I know this is such commonplace in Filipino culture but not in our family – especially my mom’s. They were raised in a strict Spanish household and although they do help each other out after all, they’re family – they don’t just ask for money for they know the value of working hard for it. Anyway, a while ago, my uncle came by and was asking for some help. What actually touched me was not the fact that he did that himself but how his eyes sparked whenever he lovingly talked about his wife. Not one point did he complain about the difficulty in taking care of his wife who suffered a stroke and is now paralyzed. Instead, he loved to tell their conversations and funny moments. Here is one man who traveled miles and miles to ask for aid from his daily struggle but all he relayed was his happiness and positivity at a difficulty situation. Amazing. There you are, people. True love at its finest. I wish someday, somehow, I’d be able to marry a man as decent and as pure as my uncle who, despite adversity, remained true and loving to his wife. Bless his heart and I pray for his and his wife’s health.
I’m just overjoyed to be able to witness God’s amazing handy work. I am in awe. ♥
As my year of Clerkship comes close to an end, I must say I have learned and experienced a lot. That is not to say I cannot have more, but it is to say that I am coming out of the experience a better doctor and more importantly, a better person. As time for work and learning increased, the opposite goes with the time spent with family and friends. It is not a secret to everyone else I know that I don’t get to spend time with all the people I love as much as I want to. There are after all, setbacks to any career there is in the world. I find myself spending more days in the hospital than my own bed. On duty days, I spend at least 30 hours inside the hospital premises finishing things and trying to provide my best possible self to people. Before this sound more like a rant, I’d like to say, it is totally okay. I have come to terms with my career a long time ago. Sometimes though, I wish I had more time to give to the other aspects of my life sphere. How ironic, isn’t it? Every minute I spend in providing life to others, it takes away every minute of mine? That sounds all too negative, I know, but the best part to talk about is what it actually gives me. In terms of socio-economics, one cannot actually call this a fair trade. How can I be this simple human being with average capabilities (and a pure heart lol) be able to give only so little and get back in return a whole lot more? God must have loved me so much to put me in this position and use my entirety in being of service to people. It must be grace or faith or blessing or whatever you might want to call it that brought me here, right in this moment and made me realize at an early age that ‘hey, I want to uplift people’s pain’. I have a long road to take on but so far, most days are good, if not great. But with these little successes, I am beyond grateful. It can get really tough and tiring at times but every day, every time I go to bed, I get to tell myself that ‘hey, you made a difference; you touched somebody else’s life; you saved someone today’ – now that is priceless.
Well, it’s been a long time coming and it’s been almost a year since this trip. Honestly, I still haven’t seen all of my shots from this vacation. Hahahaha The initial plan was, I’d get to see all of it once I edit them but, until this very day, I still haven’t had the time to edit everything. I guess, I’m on my 2nd day already. Hahaha Still a couple of days left. 😀
So anyway, this trip was in April 14 – April 19 of 2014. We were in Malaysia from the 14th until the 17th then hopped a bus to Singapore and stayed there from the 17th to 19th. This trip was actually an answered prayer. You see, I really planned to travel on or before my 25th birthday. I figured, I need to be exposed to another country, culture and environment to end my first quarter of existence. I really planned and started saving money but it turned out really difficult when one does not have a job. Haha Thanks to my aunt, uncle and parents, this trip was made possible. It was my first trip without my parents, and a first time far from the Philippine shores. We booked this trip Dec of 2013 so technically, it was before my birthday. Hehe This only shows that if one wants something hard enough, coupled with good intentions and prayers, the universe will do conspire to give you all that is that your heart desires. 🙂 Thank you, law of attraction and the Superior Being above for the blessings 🙂 Without further ado, here are the shots from our first day in Malaysia.
And of course here are a couple more of ’em random airport shots. Can you just feel how thrilling this was for me? Hahahaha
Of course my feet gets to be on the spotlight too, ya know! 😀 Well, I do try to do this whenever I get to places I’ve been to. It’s not the most unique and it is indeed a pretty common practice, but I do like what it represents – as if I’m making my own mark on places I get to visit at my own timestamp.
Soooo, Malaysia has this amazing urban planning and their airport is away from the city (so much different from the Philippines) and although it’s a bit far and can only mean nothing but additional travel hours, I really like it. The city gets to be the city and center, while the country side remains to be the countryside. Not much traffic, and not to mention, the scenery is just amazing.
We rode a bus from LCCT (the airport) to KL Center where we’d be meeting up with our uncle and my cousins’ dad, Tito Cesar. And from there, we had to ride a taxi to our hotel which wasn’t far enough (which I’ll be telling more about on my upcoming posts). What struck me most upon landing was just how homey the country is – more like the Philippines (maybe because of the humidity), but I don’t know. I can’t quite grasp how similar and different it is at the same time. I actually admire Malaysia, its government and people. Don’t get me wrong, I love my country. I’d serve and die for it, but, while I was there, my eyes was actually opened to the truth that hey, this could have been a possibility for my country too – untouched rainforests, good urban planning, good public transport, affordable food, clean environment, preserved historical places, amazing malls and affordable goodies everywhere. Somehow, a stranger like me was able to feel that I can belong, I am welcome (sans the welcome party. Haha) and I can live there if I choose to. En route KL Center, I remember looking out the bus windows and just feeling great at all the greens we pass by. It was so serene and I ended up not minding the extra travel hours at all. I’m just glad Malaysia was the first ever country I get to visit abroad. 🙂
Waddup waddup. Been incognito for quite some time. I must apologize for not being too active these days as I have been quite busy in the hospital recently. I can’t even remember when my last update was or if I have updated this blog since the whole junior internship started. But anywayyyyyy. I write this blog literally just minutes after catching a baby. The whole pregnancy have always awed me. A life giving life is precious in itself – and miraculous, not to mention. Although I still haven’t fully decided yet, I think I might go into Pediatrics. For some reason, I find it more interesting than managing adult cases. No matter how tiring things get, I still tend to have a smile on my face when the kiddos arrive. The sense of fulfillment is surreal. I have also felt this way while rotating in Obstetrics but Pediatrics is different. A lot of friends have actually complimented me that I do have the aura of a Pediatrician. How they were able to say so, I don’t know, but there’s a certain kilig whenever someone tells me that. 🙂
A few weeks and months ago, I was already getting pressured because amongst my peers, I’m one of the few who still hasn’t decided the road I’d take in the future. I remember asking myself, “Am I required to know this early on in my career? How can I choose when I still haven’t rotated in all the departments yet?” Well whatdya know? Life definitely has a certain way of surprising you. I never thought I’d actually have a final decision before this whole year ends. Thank You, Lord. 🙂 ❤