Hearts’ day

I thought that this year’s Valentines will be just like any other day like how I usually see it – a day I won’t even mind and just let pass. Even way back when I had a boyfriend, I didn’t really do much celebrating on VDay. I mean, sure I go on dates and all that, but it was just like all the other mundane days for me. But this year was wuite different. I got caught off guard, to be honest. I didnt know I cared. Heck, I didn’t even know a day meant supposedly for celebrating love could bring this much sadness in one person. I guess, I’m tired of receiving mundane things and emotions just like any other mundane day in the year. I just want need to belong to someone again – to feel that I belong to someone again. It’s been so long. I can no longer kid myself around into thinking that this independent thing encompasses all other things in my life. Everybody needs to belong to someone, right? It sometimes makes me wonder how do divorced people do it? Go through a wrenching experience like that and then allow themselves to believe in something as intangible and vague as love? How do they get the energy and spirit to allow themselvs to meet someone new and move on with their lives? How is it so easy for people to find one another in this vast world and yet have other people easily find each other despite all the setbacks.? How is it that despite all contradictions, people always still choose to choose love? I’m in awe. And sad. I guess,  the lonesomeness gets to you when you’re not as happy as everyone else. I’m not saying that finding someone new to love is the only thing that can make me happy, no, it’s not like that. It’s just that, when people’s happiness are amplified, your normal happiness meter gets left behind and makes you all the more focus on things that you normally don’t give attention to (like, the things you lack, perhaps). And being single for a considerable time gives you that sort of emptiness no matter how hard you try to hide it and gets amplified on happy occasions like Chrismas and birthdays and yes, Valentines day. So today, I chose to feel it all and not pretend these sort of feelings do not exist. I chose to go home early, ponder on things and let myself feel it all and take it all in. After all, I promised to focus on myself more this year. And as I sit here by the poolside, having my nape, hands and feet freezing from the cold night breeze, I can’t help but wonder what else does this year have in store for me? What other realizations can I expect even from things I thought I already have full acceptance of? What new things can I learn and of course will things still be the same for me this time next year? I hope not. I pray I’m happier next year and my heart more filled with contentment. I can only hope that this time next year, my heart will be in a better place. 

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SentiSunday

Our favorite love story is on at Disney Channel. For the first 5 minutes of the film, I kept swallowing to try to keep the tears from falling but the pang inside my chest can’t be contained. I guess, I’ll never get over UP even if¬†I have written about this film countless times on my journal and previous blog. It just fills me with lots of amazing memories and fun times – the giggles, morning talks, star gazing, people watching, evening walks, every thing, every little thing. You are my Carl Frederickson as I am your Ellie. And all the amazing things and amazing times will always be cherished forever. Suffice to say, I miss you, and I miss us.

Here’s what’s new.

What am I doing still thinking about you at 2 in the morning???

You’re the kind of risk I’m still too afraid to take but can’t seem to let go of. For some unfathomable reason, I feel it’s okay to be careless and carefree. There’s something about you that had me throwing most of my inhibitions and walls; almost making me feel it’s okay to be such a daredevil and go through with it but never quite getting there – YET. As you know, just like you, I was (not-so-long-ago) once hurt and betrayed. Out of fear of all things, I can’t seem to quite allow myself to be out there fully again. And I know that somehow we’re kind of on the same page in that aspect. But, okay, fine, I may or may not have driven you away and I guess this is my way of saying, I do like you –¬†A LOT.¬†More than what I initially allowed myself to. And way more than I even thought possible when we met. And of course, I’m blabbering my way through this post.

I never knew something as stupid-sounding as a spark is even remotely possible but heyyyy I saw it and I’m sure you saw it and what’s worse (?) is that other people saw it too. So that I guess makes it a good validation, huh?

I was never really much of a risk-taker. I have¬†always been the planner. But you know what, you somehow bring out that side of me. Making me feel like you’re worth it without actually implicating or even explicating anything. And that scares me. This is definitely new territory for me and I’m just really really at loss of what to do. And recently, the more you pull away, the more I feel myself gravitate towards you. And that just makes for one helluva bad recipe, I know. I just might be one of them girls you just happen to string¬†along but¬†somehow, this little missy is almost ready to be actually strung along too. Haha

Confused. Dazed. Dumbfounded. That’s how I’m finding myself now when I’m supposed to be back on my readings and focusing on my upcoming exams. All these could also be just a product of my overzealous over-thinking, of course. I could’ve also looked too much into every word and detail of our conversations, added more flavor to every uttered word, and saw non-existing sunshine to every stories told. That’s the thing with it, you see – I may or may not have just imagined everything on my own but I’d like to think that not all of it (if not most) were just a product of this playful ¬†mind.

This leads me to another point – what to make out of this in the end? I’ve had countless questions about you (okay fine, I talk about you giddily to my friends) and where all this will end and there was a time when I couldn’t care less. I mean, this is fun and interesting and spontaneous in all possible ways and that makes it all the more thrilling. Why ruin something as nice as it already is for something more complicated, right? But recently, I can’t help but swoon over the fact of endless possibilities. And the realization just hit me all of a sudden: I’d like to experience at least one of the “possibilities” and see how everything plays¬†out.¬†I’m pretty sure we could have a whole lot of fun together had the situation been¬†different. It’s one of the nicest daydreams I keep playing at the back of my mind. And okay, I know the mere fact that it’s just a daydream, is just sad. Haha

So if this post somehow finds itself to you, here’s the thing: I’m starting to like you a lot. And if this means that a tiny crack is starting to form within these walls, then so be it. At least for the first time, I’ve experienced what it’s like to have¬†something as shady and uncertain as this – something I just allowed myself to feel and didn’t rationalize, to begin with.

Cue music, Break the Cycle by You+Me because somehow, the cycle for me, has almost been broken ‚ô•‚ô•‚ô•

You are worth it.

Most girls, if not all, are believers of love. Who wouldn’t want something so precious, pure and promising in their lives, anyway? The whole concept and thought of love is easier to grasp than broken homes, relationships and hate. People (and yes, I’m generalizing everyone) are just bound to favor the goodness more. Sometimes, though, this also leads to the downfall of many.

According to CDC, 1 in 5 women has experienced dating violence. 1 in every 5. And those are just the reported cases. Here in my country, I’m pretty sure not a lot of women and girls are aware that they are actually being abused. Because, for some cultural reason, we are made to believe at a twisted concept of marriage – we don’t get into relationships unless it is the guy we want to or close to the guy we have in minds to marry. The end result? We work our asses off at trying to keep the whole relationship intact and glued together thinking that it is our duty and responsibility to ourselves to actually make it work. Because, this freaking douchebag is our future – our future husband! And we therefore owe it to our future kiddos and future happiness to make it work now. We miss this one thing, though – relationships aren’t meant to be toxic; and so, if it isn’t working now, how can we ever think that it’ll work in the future if we continue on the same path the relationship is currently taking?¬†

Here’s the thing with abusive relationships: it makes you doubt yourself to the point wherein you think that it is you who is at fault. And then you try to resolve things, thinking that if you change your attitude and perception of everything, things will actually change between the two of you. Well, the thing is, it doesn’t. It never did and goodness knows it never will.¬†

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Sometimes, we all tend to allow ourselves to hurt just because of a promised better future. Although there is nothing wrong with optimism, even positive things have its limits as well. We cannot ever justify something cruel and horrible with the concept of goodness and fairness. Being a martyr and sanguine are two entirely different things.I guess what I’m really getting at is, any form of abuse is wrong. And I’m pretty sure that all the abused women out there know that they are being abused. They are just either too afraid to confront it; or worse, they are too afraid to let go.¬†

I for one, am from an abusive relationship. Although my ex-boyfriend never hurt me physically, abuse can be in a lot of forms. I was mentally and emotionally abused. I was made to think that I am nothing without him. I was made to think that he defines me. I was made to think that I was less than what I actually am. I became dependent on him for just about everything in my life – from the simple decisions of what I’d be eating for dinner to major ones, such as where I’d be spending my future days, etc. I almost forgot who I was. I almost forgot how precious I was.

So, if you are one of us, and you know you no longer like the way you are being treated, just please step back for a little while. Thinking things through is never harmful – staying at something abusive is. You and your partner may have had amazing moments (which I’m sure you truly had), but sometimes, you also have to realize whether they are still the same person as you remember them to be. Times change and you must have just been too blinded and stubborn to notice just how much different the person you loved in the past and the person who is slapping and shouting at you right now are. I know it’ll be very difficult, but set yourself free. You are precious and amazing. There are far more people who loves you than someone who thinks it is okay to step on you day in and out. And lastly, no one (and I say no one – not even the worst person in the world) deserves to be mistreated and wrecked. We ¬†all are meant to be experiencing the true essence and beauty of something as vague and indefinite as love.

Reminder

I’d just like to share an excerpt from my favorite inspirational book so far – Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. I’ve been kind of lonely for the past couple of days because of all the things happening in my (supposedly) non-existent love life and this was the wake-up slap I’ve been needing. Perfect timing, every single time. Thank you, Lord.

He says, “Give it another six months, you’ll feel better.”
“I’ve already given it twelve months, Richard.”
“Then give it six more. Just keep throwin’ six months at it till it goes away. Stuff like this takes time.”
I exhale hotly through my nose; bull-like
“Groceries,” Richard says, “listen to me. Someday, you’re gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You’ll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing and you were in the best possible place in the world for it – in a beautiful place of worship, surrounded by grace. Take this time, every minute of it. Let things work themselves out here in India.”

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“But I really loved him.”
“Big deal. So you fell in love with someone. Don’t you see what happened? This guy touched a place in your heart deeper than you thought you were capable of reaching, I mean you got zapped, kiddo. But that love you felt, that’s just the beginning. You just got a taste of love. That’s just limited little rinky-dink mortal love. Wait till you see how much more deeply you can love than that. heck, Groceries – you have the capacity to someday love the whole world. It’s your destiny. Don’t laugh.”

“I’m not laughing.” I was actually crying. “And please don’t laugh at me now, but I think the reason it;s so hard for me to get over this guy is because I seriuosly believed David was my soul mate.”
“He probably was. Your problem is you don’t understand what that word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just ot reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is, you just can’t let this one go. It’s over, Groceries. David’s purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of that marriage that you needed to leave, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it. That was his job, and he did great, but now it’s over. Problem is, you can’t accept that this relationship had a real short shelf life. You’re like a dog at the dump, baby – you’re just lickin’ at an empty tin can, trying to get more nutrition out of it. Andi fyou’re not careful, that can’s gonna get stuck on your snout forever and make your life miserable. So drop it.”
“But I love him.”
“So love him.”

“But I miss him.”
“So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, and then drop it. You’re just afraid to let go of the last bits of David because then you;ll really be alone, adn Liz Gilbert is scared to death of what will happen if she’s really alone. But here’s what you gotta understand, Groceries. If you clear out all that space in your mind that you’re using right now to obsess about this guy, you’ll have a vacuum there, an open spot – a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with that doorway? It will rush in – God will rush in – and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed. So stop using David to block that door. Let it go.”
“But I wish me and David could – ”

He cuts me off. “See, now that’s your problem. You’re wishin’ too much, baby. You gotta stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone oughtta be.”
This line gives me the first laugh of the day.

Countless times have I had this one-sided arguments with myself without concrete answers to my woes. “But I loved him so much… I miss him… I can’t live without him,” and so on. Now, finally someone has spoken back.¬†‚ô•