Not good enough (even for a title)

It’s one of days when you’re just compelled to write even when what’s in your mind and everything else around does not make sense. Tomorrow marks another day in this new life – the real battle begins as we take on yet another year of internship – that and a year to prepare for the board exams. I must say, amongst all other things stressing me out these days, this has to top it all off. It’s a year off from now but I can’t help but feel all shaken and scared. I feel so incompetent and incapable of passing and topping it. Somehow, deep inside I know I can but sometimes, all these doubts creep into my mind. I don’t know I don’t even know why this thing keeps on bugging me when it’s a year fuckin away. I guess my mind just has to roam around in places it cannot handle. What scares me so much is the uncertainty of the situation. But then again, just as what my friend said yesterday, “Just start. Whatever happens, just start studying and all else will fall into place”. Well, yeah, I guess instead of bickering and scaring the shit out of myself, I just have to start and get on with it. I can’t finish anything without actually starting, anyway. Well yeah, sorry to disappoint but I really had no intention of having a post today which actually made sense. I just needed to let it all out somehow knowing that somewhere out there, in the world there’s somebody else sharing my anxiety about the physician licensure exams. That’s it for now. Good day.

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On ‘Medicine’

As my year of Clerkship comes close to an end, I must say I have learned and experienced a lot. That is not to say I cannot have more, but it is to say that I am coming out of the experience a better doctor and more importantly, a better person. As time for work and learning increased, the opposite goes with the time spent with family and friends. It is not a secret to everyone else I know that I don’t get to spend time with all the people I love as much as I want to. There are after all, setbacks to any career there is in the world. I find myself spending more days in the hospital than my own bed. On duty days, I spend at least 30 hours inside the hospital premises finishing things and trying to provide my best possible self to people. Before this sound more like a rant, I’d like to say, it is totally okay. I have come to terms with my career a long time ago. Sometimes though, I wish I had more time to give to the other aspects of my life sphere. How ironic, isn’t it? Every minute I spend in providing life to others, it takes away every minute of mine? That sounds all too negative, I know, but the best part to talk about is what it actually gives me. In terms of socio-economics, one cannot actually call this a fair trade. How can I be this simple human being with average capabilities (and a pure heart lol) be able to give only so little and get back in return a whole lot more? God must have loved me so much to put  me in this position and use my entirety in being of service to people. It must be grace or faith or blessing or whatever you might want to call it that brought me here, right in this moment and made me realize at an early age that ‘hey, I want to uplift people’s pain’. I have a long road to take on but so far, most days are good, if not great. But with these little successes, I am beyond grateful. It can get really tough and tiring at times but every day, every time I go to bed, I get to tell myself that ‘hey, you made a difference; you touched somebody else’s life; you saved someone today’ – now that is priceless.

Catch, Catching, Caught

Waddup waddup. Been  incognito for quite some time. I must apologize for not being too active these days as I have been quite busy in the hospital recently. I can’t even remember when my last update was or if I have updated this blog since the whole junior internship started. But anywayyyyyy. I write this blog literally just minutes after catching a baby. The whole pregnancy have always awed me. A life giving life is precious in itself – and miraculous, not to mention. Although I still haven’t fully decided yet, I think I might go into Pediatrics. For some reason, I find it more interesting than managing adult cases. No matter how tiring things get, I still tend to have a smile on my face when the kiddos arrive. The sense of fulfillment is surreal. I have also felt this way while rotating in Obstetrics but Pediatrics is different. A lot of friends have actually complimented me that I do have the aura of a Pediatrician. How they were able to say so, I don’t know, but there’s a certain kilig whenever someone tells me that. 🙂

A few weeks and months ago, I was already getting pressured because amongst my peers, I’m one of the few who still hasn’t decided the road I’d take in the future. I remember asking myself, “Am I required to know this early on in my career? How can I choose when I still haven’t rotated in all the departments yet?” Well whatdya know? Life definitely has a certain way of surprising you. I never thought I’d actually have a final decision before this whole year ends. Thank You, Lord. 🙂 ❤

Two-faced

Today, a patient has verbally abused me. There, let’s start with that to finally let it all out. There were a lot of things I wish I said had I not been too shocked to react; but, I’m glad and proud too that I haven’t spoken more than what I should have. At least one of us need not stoop that low. Only a coward would prey on someone whom he thinks he has most power over at.

He was feeding off of my confusion at the situation. There I was, happily starting my day expecting I’d be somehow of help to someone who is ill or has concerns but all I got are shouts, complaints and what-have-you’s on things I do not even have control over. There was even a point between his banters and finger-pointing wherein I really think he could’ve hit me just to channel his frustration and anger. I don’t know, maybe yes, I could’ve imagined that but I couldn’t help but be thankful that I was out of arm’s reach, and somehow more elevated than where he was – sitting on his bed. All I could ever think of is withholding my tears just to not let him have that final victory over me. I have encountered a handful of difficult people in my life but this has definitely been a first. What hurt most was despite his irate demeanor, I was really trying my best to know what ails him to be somehow of help, and yet, he mocked me, pointed at me and shouted at me as if he owned me. What right does a person have to treat another as if s/he is an object that have just been bought?

It is humbling and degrading at the same time, to be honest. Being a part of the healthcare team has its highs and lows. I guess this is the side of service provision we cannot totally will away. We can never really predict how each and every person react to certain situations and no matter how fulfilling this career is, there are and will always be unreasonable people out there. So just a little reminder, folks, Horton couldn’t have put it any more precisely:

Excerpt from Dr. Seuss' Horton Hears a Who

Excerpt from Dr. Seuss’ Horton Hears a Who


Clerkship Chronicles: First 5 days

I literally just got back from my duty status at the hospital and although I’m awfully tired, and not to mention sleepy, I am indeed happy. I can’t pinpoint as to exactly why but, I’m just thankful that everything is going the way it’s supposed to. I’ve always known that this career is what I want, but this sense of belongingness just validates everything. And I’m beyond amazed that this is happening to me. A lot of people might think that I’ve always known all the steps I want to take in life, and I had it all planned out, but truth be told, just Iike everybody else, I’m clueless and scared of the vastness of nothingness and the unknown. Not a lot of people are blessed to feel that they indeed took the right path, and mind you, I’ve doubted myself countless times during the whole duration of my medschool. But seeing all those patients, learning the things I do and need to do first-handedly, knowing that somehow I am making a difference, means a whole lot to me. I’m just thankful that I have indeed chosen the right path; and even more so, for finally feeling that I indeed do belong here. ❤️

#MEDBALL2015

Soooo I just got home from our party and it wasn’t perfect at all but I enjoyed and had a blast thanks to my ever crazy friends. ❤️

Anyway, I’m still too lazy to post pictures from my camera but here are a couple of shots a while ago. I felt like a princess and thats what counts, right? Hahahahaha

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Gown by Ms Tina Diaz
Hair and make-up by Ms. Eds Go
Accessories: Channel and Pearl Farm, Davao (Thanks, mum!😁)
Shoes: Charles and Keith

Multi-dimensional

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This year has been nothing but good to me so far. I’ve been so positive about 2014 weeks before new year firecrackers started filling the skies and that mindset has been leading me to nothing but greener pastures. I guess this time alone does suit me.

Day by day I get to know myself better. It’s as if I keep on peeling another layer of myself along with the new experiences and challenges I take. There are days too, I get reacquainted with the glimpses of my past self. Take this art for example. I can’t actually brag much about it cos I know it’s nothing but plaintiff compared to other people’s but, I am very much proud of it. It’s my first watercolor work in a very long time. And when I say long, I’m guessing around roughly more than a decade has passed since the last time.

Growing up, my brother (for we didn’t have our youngest brother until we were in our tweens) and I were very much exposed to art. My mother, being creative as she is, was very much supportive of that. I have memories of my brother and I having this “art time” at home and we’d trace our story books, paint with watercolors, draw with our crayons and colored pens. It was one of the things we got so engrossed in as toddlers. I can even remember the first time I was able to watch the Disney show Art Attack. Boy, did My eyes grew big that time. I swear, the watercolor art he did back then was something I tried in my projects over and over and over when I was already in highschool. From Disney characters, to doodles, to made-up characters to anime and comics, I can say my brother and I pretty much drew everything. He focused more on sketching and I got more and more involved with coloring.

As time – or highschool, rather has passed, the only creativity I got to focus on was my wardrobe. During my freshman year in the University, I can’t literally sleep without having a clear picture of what I’d wear the following day. And this isn’t even an overstatement. Lucky me, I was only required to wear my uniform during laboratory hours on major subjects. But when MedSchool came, little by little these simple joys got sucked out of me, as if all the things I used to enjoy doing got tucked away in an old box in an old attic somewhere. When I said a few years back that MedSchool has changed my life, I wasn’t kidding. It did impacted me most out of everything I’ve ever experienced in a quarter of a century.

So anyway… I’m really happy that I get to be blessed with this time off – not only in Med but also on the dating field. These past few months, I’ve been very lucky to be able to know myself even more; develop new hobbies; hone my existing skills; and learn so much about myself and the society I’m at. Most days life gets too fast-paced that we get so engrossed in it and forget who we really are. We fail to see other aspects for we get too focused on just getting things done instead of living in the moment. I am not trying to be too philosophical here for I know these things I’m currently saying are too cliché already, but it is what it is. I’m just thankful that there’s a whole lot of beauty that came out of all the hardships, pain and heartbreaks I had the previous year. Today, I was reminded that whatever it is that we are facing, one does not have to merely cave in and forget his/her true nature. Life is meant to be lived. As simple as that. 🙂