April | 2021 | I SEE YOU (I.C.U.)

So, my Psych consult just got cancelled.

I honestly don’t know what to feel about it. Am I relieved? Do I feel bad that it did? The answer actually scares me more – I couldn’t give shit.

It has been going around like this for the past few months – sobrang bigat sa pakiramdam. And it’s something I’ve been carrying for a whole while. Sa sobrang dami kong ayaw, hindi ko na alam kung ano’ng gusto ko. Fucked up, ain’t it? I guess this is a white flag, a cry for help, if you’re at it. I no longer know what to do. Sometimes, when I’m all alone, I feel like I’m about to go crazy. Cabin fever – they even coined a term for it. Only, I don’t just stay indoors, I also go to work. Work. Something I used to look forward to no matter how tiring it can get, now something I just completely dread. Whatever has gotten into me? It’s so hard to process, and mind you, I’ve been trying to process it for a whole long while now.

I used to be in theater – for the lack of better term. Growing up, I was that kid who’s always performing – be it ballet, cheer dancing, sabayang pagbigkas, school talent shows and competitions. I loved putting on a mask. I guess I didn’t outgrow that one part, huh? I loved pleasing people – I don’t think I’d be in this profession if I didn’t. I love healing people too, but, for some reason, these days, I would just like to wallow up in a cocoon and disappear from the world peacefully. Does that make sense? If going away like some sort of dust becoming invisible from the world without causing pain to other people is possible, I think I would’ve chosen that option in a heartbeat. A bit harsh, I know, but, it is what it is.

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Okay, hold that thought, my consult got moved at 4pm and just actually finished.

“You seem sad… Nararamdaman ko nga that your spirit seem down”

“Hopefully when we see each other again in 3 weeks’ time your emotions somehow be lifted.”

So there goes my 2nd Psych evaluation (a year in-between). The hospital started conducting these mental health evaluations since the pandemic hit. And there goes the opening and ending sentences of this year’s evaluation. Lol TBH, I just pretended my whole way through my Psych evals last year. I still had the energy and vigor to actually pretend and be happy. This year, fuck all that shit. I’m just tired. I tried to be honest as much as I can, but, I find it difficult to show my true emotions to people. I have actually spent a whole lot on building these walls. Lol And I don’t like showing my tears to strangers. Haha

There was one point I almost cried. There were a whole lot of moments I tried to express myself more eloquently but couldn’t. And all the whole while, I tried to lie and pretend I’m okay but just couldn’t. And I guess, that’s something alarming even for me. I just couldn’t fake it anymore.

struggling.

Upon opening my laptop, unconsciously, I headed over to check on my patients’ laboratory results. It has become a habit. It has become an itch I cannot not scratch. And that’s when I started breaking down.

I tested positive.

I am now one of the thousands in statistics in my country who are positive for the disease. I never dreamt of this nor wanted this, but was well aware that it comes as a risk in this job. But still, accepting it does not make it easier. Thankfully, though, I only have minor symptoms – silver lining. But still, hearing this news does not come with a scare. I feel like I have failed myself in more ways than one. I have become lax and a million, if not a thousand thoughts and questions are going through my mind right now. How could I have allowed this to happen? What will become of people and patients exposed to me? Have I allowed the disease to spread? I pray no one got infected because of me. I hope my family is safe. I hope I am safe. I pray the disease does not progress.

I pray that no matter the circumstances, my family be kept safe, and I be able to get through this.

It’s funny how just a few minutes prior to getting the news, I was actually cooking. For the past days, I’ve been downplaying my symptoms. I knew there was something weird with all of it, but, of course, I had to shrug it off. Denial is easier to muster than courage. And whilst sautéing the onion and garlic for my pasta, I couldn’t smell a damn thing. I was internally screaming but had to play it cool for my non-existent audience. I grabbed the can of tuna and placed it near my nose. “There, that’s better. Nakakaamoy ka pa naman pala (you can still smell)” Deep down, I knew something was wrong. I didn’t want to entertain the only single plausible explanation. I busied myself with cooking. Then a few minutes later, I got the call. I couldn’t wrap my head around it but the first thing that came to my mind was, “Shit. I had a couple of people exposed.” My patients, colleagues, duty mates, nurses, 2 of my friends. Though we only had brief interactions, I still feel burdened by the fact that I might have infected them. I’m hoping against hope I didn’t.

It sucks to live in a country where healthcare up to this point still isn’t a priority. The reality has come to this – a lot of healthcare workers in our hospital are testing positive one after the other. And yet, this government is nowhere near to even containing the problem. It’s exhausting, but us healthcare workers need to push through. Being on the other side of the spectrum, though, this hits extra harder and makes me sadder.

Well anyway, technically speaking, I’m generally ok. Mild symptoms and all, but I guess more of my psyche is the enemy here. Lots of regrets, lots of what-if’s, lots of wishes and hopes. I just really really pray it doesn’t get worse than this. And I honestly wish it was just a mere joke on this day, tbh, but it isn’t. This is some very twisted plot twist in this so-called life and I can’t process it well enough just yet. I’m scared. Scared of a whole lot of things, but mostly, scared for myself. In providing service for everyone, I have failed my own. That’s how it feels like these days. It is a learning process, but I guess I have to try and focus on myself a little bit more. I haven’t fully internalized this before, but, yeah, how can I actually provide quality healthcare when I’m not actually healthy? This is such a stupid and major wake up call. In the midst of this chaos and pandemic, the healthcare system cannot afford to lose any more staff. Hopefully I become better literally and figuratively. It’s a process, and this is a start.

Until then, hang in there, self.